


Five Stages of Grief

by evilkoalaforce



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, Realization, Romance, spell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:04:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1089933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilkoalaforce/pseuds/evilkoalaforce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A spell causes Derek to forget most of his memory. Only Stiles can help him to regain it. On the process of getting his memory back they discover that they have feelings for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bad Luck

Stiles was on his computer when his phone rang. It was Derek. Stiles frowned and answered it.

"You do know that you called Stiles, right?" he didn't hear a response. "Derek?!" and then the call was over. Stiles shrugged and put his phone back in his pocket. He tried to forget about the call but it was making him nervous. He wasn't really into danger and threats at the moment but there wasn't really any choice was there.

"Fuck!" Stiles stood from his desk grabbed his car keys and drove over to Dereks abandoned house.

When Stiles reached his house, he couldn't find Derek anywhere. Finally he decided to check his bedroom. Stiles walked carefully inside and saw Derek on his bed sleeping. Stiles was confused. What the hell? If this is some kind of prank I'm going kill everyone. After Derek has killed me. But everybody were out of town this week. Stiles was supposed to go with them but Dad needed him home, just in case he starts getting in trouble in another county. Stiles wasn't really okay with his decision but understood the guy and stayed home.

Stiles looked at Derek. He then took all his courage and tried to wake him up. He touched him slightly and suddenly Derek jumped out of bed, full werewolf knocking Stiles on the ground. Derek growled loudly and then seemed surprised by it.

Stiles frowned by his awkward behavior. Derek coughed and turned to him "I'm really sorry. I don't know what came into me. I'm..." and this is where Derek stopped.

Stiles answered "Derek?"

Derek smiled "Hi Derek! I'm really sorry I can't remember my name."

"You are Derek, I'm Stiles..."

"Oh, thanks..."

He helped Stiles up who was still in shock. Derek looks at his hands and said in a surprised high pitched voice "Holy cow?! What's wrong with my hands?"

"What did you just say?" Stiles looked at him eyes huge.

"Oh my god! Is this a costume? No?" he stared at Stiles waiting for an answer and looked at his hands again "I should get a manicure."

Stiles shook his head "I cant believe this is happening to me." He sat down on a chair and touched the bridge of his nose. I am alone with an alpha who doesn't know who or what he is. Everybody is gone until the end of the week. It could be a trick. Maybe somebody wanted Derek in this vulnerable position. I can't protect him, well not like he could. Stiles was thinking any possible thought so he could calculate the best way to move forward. Suddenly he heard a scream in the bathroom. It was Derek. He ran to him and saw him in front of the mirror.

"What am I? What's wrong with my face? What's happening?" Derek was freaking out.

Stiles grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes "You are Derek. Calm down."

Derek nodded "Okay."

Stiles continued "Now, don't freak out..."

"I am already freaking out!" Derek snapped back.

Stiles sighed loudly "No. Because Derek does not freak out. He usually hits me or stares angrily into the darkness." Stiles continued to ramble. Derek took his hand from his and hit Stiles on the shoulder.

"Ow! That hurt? What was that for?" Stiles rubbed his now bruised shoulder.

"You said I hit you." he said quickly

"Yes, but... No!" Stiles frowned and Derek looked ashamed. "Okay forget what I said." Stiles tried to get to the point. "Derek, something happened to your brain. That is why you can't remember who you are. It must be a witch or a spell..." Stiles started to think.

Derek laughed "A witch." when he saw that Stiles didn't laugh he stopped "A witch!? They are real?"

"Yeah, so are you." Stiles pointed to a mirror.

"What do you mean?" Derek looked into the mirror.

"You are a werewolf." Stiles said carefully looking at his reaction.

Derek was oddly calm and touched his face. The word seemed to put something in it's right place.

Stiles continued "You can change back, just calm down and think about it"

He did that and soon enough he was normal again. Stiles nodded "Good. Now can you remember anything?"

Derek was still staring at himself "I'm a werewolf" he whispered "An alpha?"

"Yes!" Stiles jumped up "Yes, you are. What else can you remember?"

Derek looked at Stiles "You look familiar."

Stiles grinned "Of course I'm really important."

Derek frowned "I thought you said I hit you a lot."

"And I then said forget that I said that" he answered quickly and lead Derek back to the bedroom and made him sit down. "Think hard. What is the last thing you remember?" He sat on the floor in front of him.

Derek laid back on the chair and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember. "I was running in the woods and then I stopped. I saw something."

"What?" Stiles asked

"I'm not sure." he sighed.

Stiles sighed too "Okay. Can you remember your last name?

"Hale?"

"Correct! Can you remember that you are a werewolf?"

"Kind of... I remember the moment I became an alpha. Not what happened but the change in me. My face is familiar. But I can't remember what I did yesterday or the day before that. I can't form any memory. I just know who I am – Derek Hale, a werewolf."

Stiles was thinking too hard to realize that Derek stopped. He then finally looked up "What do you feel? Try to remember your feelings." Stiles knew this was a long shot because Derek showed less emotions than a vegetable.

Derek nodded "If I think about my family... I feel really sad. If I think about my friends... I feel really protective and sad. If I think about the last thing I remember I feel... scared."

Stiles looked at him mouth open in surprise. He couldn't get used to the way Derek Hale was acting and talking.

Derek continued "If I think about werewolves I feel power, strength. If I think about you" he looked at Stiles now " I feel confused" He and Stiles both frowned at each other.

Stiles broke the silence "We should go outside. Check the forest out, maybe it will trigger something."

"Good idea!" Derek jumped up.

Stiles looked at him surprised. "Wow somebody is optimistic."

"Well, it is a good idea. Thank you. Now let's go." Derek helped Stiles up and they moved outside. Stiles looking at Derek, not believing what he was seeing. This Derek was a completely new person.

***

Stiles was walking with Derek in the forest and was amazed how open and polite he was. Every time Stiles started to ramble he listened carefully to the end and continued with his own ramble. Stiles didn't remember seeing Derek so relaxed. Stiles couldn't stop smiling.

"Something is different here." Derek stopped and looked around.

"What?"

"I think I have been here before" Derek smelled the air. "There" he pointed and Stiles followed.

Turns out the scent brought them back to the abandoned house. Derek sighed and looked utterly disappointed. Stiles patted his back reassuringly "It's okay big guy. We will try again tomorrow." They walked back into the house and ordered in some food. While they were eating Derek was acting a little weird. Like he wanted to say something. Finally Stiles just confronted him "Just say it."

Derek was startled but then cleared his throat and spoke softly "I was thinking that if it's okay with you. Then maybe you could crash here tonight." He looked a bit embarrassed "I know I'm a big werewolf but..."

"Sure. I'll stay." Stiles interrupted him "I get it. I wanted to say the same thing actually." he smiled and shoved some more food into his mouth.

Derek smiled and did the same.


	2. Feelings

Stiles was searching for some blankets and a pillows when a half naked Derek walked behind him. "What are you doing?"

Stiles was so startled he almost screamed. "Holy shit! Don't sneak up like that."

Derek took a step back "I am really sorry."

Stiles shook his head gently. This was too weird. Derek saying these words, over something so meaningless. "It's okay. I was just looking for some blankets. I didn't ask you because I figured you don't know."

Derek grinned "True."

Stiles was amazed. Derek grinning was not something you saw everyday. He looked so relaxed and even beautiful.

Derek stopped his silent thinking "Why aren't you joining me in my bed?"

Stiles looked surprised, then confused then not sure if he heard him right. He looked nervous. He scratched his head then neck and then he couldn't stop fidgeting with his hands. Derek saw all that and heard his heartbeat speeding up. "I know it's weird but it's a big bed and there isn't really any other place to sleep. A comfy place anyway. And if something happens we are there for each other" Derek tried to make this simpler to Stiles. Stiles nodded weirdly, still fidgety and pointed the bathroom where he then quickly walked.

What the fuck is happening?! Stiles thought. What am I doing? This shit always happens to me. I mean I am about to go to sleep next to Derek? Derek Hale! I am so dead when he gets his memory back. So fucking dead.

Few minutes later Stiles walked out of the bathroom, almost calm and started to take his clothes off. He climbed in the bed with his boxers. Derek was lying his eyes closed but he knew he wasn't sleeping. Probably just trying to remember.

Derek looked at him and felt his heart flutter. His eyes went big, suddenly he realised that he wasn't feeling scared but the opposite. Looking at his naked upper body and his calm face he felt something burn inside him. Stiles closed his eyes and shook his head. No, no, no! This is not happening. He looked at Derek again. Oh my God, this is so happening. Stiles hide his face with his hands. Why am I getting turned on by this? I've seen other guys, why am I having this moment with Derek. And why now? I can't sleep here. I can feel his heat. I can feel my... desire. Is it desire?

Derek stopped Stiles "What's wrong?"

Stiles took his hands off his face and answered shortly "Just tired. Good night." He turned his back to Derek.

"Oh, okay. Good night." Derek replied and resumed his position. Trying to remember something, anything.

***

They both fell asleep pretty quickly, until Derek woke up so suddenly that it startled Stiles as well.

"What's wrong? What happened?" said Stiles sleepily and sat next to him. It was still dark but he saw his red eyes.

"I saw her! The witch... I guess" Derek answered trying to even his breathing.

"What do you mean? Did she said anything?"

"Yeah. She said something about accepting your true self. Whatever the fuck that means." Derek said frustrated.

Stiles grinned. This sounded a lot like the real Derek.

"This is so frustrating" Derek sighed.

"It's okay. Go back to sleep. There is still a few hours until the morning." Stiles touched his back and fell back into the bed looking at the ceiling. Derek nodded silently and did the same. Derek then looked at him. Stiles was closing his eyes and sighing, but Derek felt his heartbeat speeding up.

Actually Stiles was trying to keep his calm because the touch didn't feel as innocent as it looked. His hand was still burning, and his heart was going crazy. He just hoped that Derek didn't notice anything. But he did.

Stiles felt Derek move in the bed and he tensed up. He then sensed that Derek is getting oddly close. He couldn't open his eyes. Stiles breathed out shakily and the it happened. Derek pressed his lips softly against his lips. He felt Stiles relax a bit so he kissed him again, this time harder. Stiles was so aroused at this point that he couldn't think clearly he placed his hand on Derek's neck and pulled him closer. Wanting him closer, needing it. Derek responded with the same and started to move closer so their bodies would be touching. As soon as that happened Stiles pushed him away so suddenly that he almost fell of the bed.

"What are you doing?" Stiles yelled desperately.

"Sorry, I was just trying to get my memories back. " Derek said softly.

"What? How would this..." he was shaking his hands between them nervously"...help?" Stiles looked at him overwhelmed.

Derek frowned "I know this is awkward because I don't act like I used to."

"No shit!"

"But that doesn't mean things has to change." Derek finished his sentence.

Stiles looked bewildered and more confused than before. He couldn't even form a sentence. "Did you? I mean... No!" he shook his head "What? How could you think that?" he searched for the answer in his head not asking Derek directly.

Derek was taken aback "We aren't a couple?"

Stiles shook his head too much "No. No. Never. I mean it's a definite no. I didn't know Derek was gay." he then whispered to himself "Am I gay?" He looked at half-naked Derek again "Oh I'm so gay. How could I missed that?" Stiles continued to ramble to himself.

"I'm so sorry. You told me to put feelings to my memories and this was the first strong one that came up on you. And it felt so real and right it was wrong not to act on it." Derek explained.

Stiles couldn't believe the words or the face that was speaking them. He laid down on the bed again covering his face with his hands.

Derek looked worried "Are you okay?"

Stiles was silent.

"Should we continue?" Derek looked hopeful.

"No!" he then paused and stared him in the eyes like he wanted to change his answer. But he then shook his head and repeated "No."

"Well I don't know about you but I need a cold shower." he stood up and entered the bathroom.

Stiles looked at him dazzled. Derek has feelings for me. I never thought about us like that. I never thought about us. He touched his lips and smiled gently. Derek has feelings for me. Stiles was so flattered and stunned. He couldn't wait for this witch thing to be over so he could have the real Derek back. Oh crap! He realized. He is going to kill me!


	3. Clarification

Morning came slowly. And they spent most of it behind the computer to find out more about the witch. Derek saw some symbols in his dream and they were trying to find it.

Stiles was sitting and Derek was right behind him. He could feel the wolf getting closer and even sniff him. This motion was more than distracting. To be honest it was getting annoying.

"Could you stop sniffing me!" Stiles pointed out blankly.

The wolf furrowed his brows, turned to him and answered loudly. "Do you know how hard it is to me to hold back this urge to touch you?" he made out the words as clearly as possible "Every time I try to remember something I see your face and feel so many feelings that my head wants to explode. If I could I would have you right here on this table." his face was so close to his that Stiles felt his breath on his neck.

Stiles did not expect that kind of reaction from this Derek. The sudden mood change was oddly arousing. His heart fluttered and he said silently his previous annoyance completely gone. "Okay you can sniff me."

"Thank you!" Derek replied loudly and turned his eyes back to the computer.

Stiles couldn't decide if he wanted to find this witch or not. Somebody was getting to his old habits and he was sure that the real Derek would never confess something like that. If I could be selfish I would keep him the way he is now. He thought calming his heart beat. His raw anger is one of the few things that defines him and now when it's not pointed at me, it was mind-blowing. Conflicted or not, Stiles found something.

"Listen to this" Stiles started "There is a witch who leaves traps to supernatural creatures. The traps are purely emotional. It captures a broken soul" he paused looking sadly on the screen, not wanting to continue. Thinking about Derek as a broken soul made him sad. "Any creature who has a cracked soul must do a full recovery in order to move on. A strong one will out live it, a smart one will live through it and a weak one will die. This spell will help you or kill you – accept your true self." Stiles nodded understanding "Either way you have to do the five stages of grief."

Waiting for a simpler answer Derek was left confused "And?"

"What?"

"How can we reverse it or fix it?"

"I just said it. You have to complete your emotional stages."

Feeling that this sigh was followed by many others he touched the bridge of his nose and asked "How?"

"Right now you are at anger." he rolled his eyes "Clearly... The right order is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance." He looked at Derek carefully. "I think..." he paused to find some courage "I think that you have been through so many loss... and every time you have kind of stayed in the second stage – anger. That is why the trap worked on you."

"Are you saying that I am a an emotional wreck?"

"No. I'm saying that..." he chose his words wisely "you have a lot to process. Too much even. And now it all caught up."

"But how am I supposed to move on when I can't really remember everything."

"Well we already started with the whole remembering feelings thing so that's good." he sounded hopeful.

Derek just stared at him with a blank face – annoyed and hopeless.

"It's going to be fine. I'll help you." Stiles stood up and started to touch him reassuringly but stopped himself. Derek looked a bit hurt by the movement. "Just go for a little wolf run and I'll grab some stuff from home and we will talk about it again tonight."

"Fine." Derek said shortly already wolfing up and walked out of the door.

Stiles was surprised how himself he was. I should do some research on this. No mater how similar he is to his old self his not fixed yet. Stiles grabbed his car keys and walked out of the house. Regretting the decision not to touch him.

***

"We can't force this. You can't just start bargaining and then feeling depressed. You need to just think about it, talk about it and feel everything." Stiles tried to make this as simple as possible.

Derek was still a bit annoyed and Stiles wasn't sure if he was getting through to him.

Stiles rolled his eyes and sat next to him. "You said that you felt sadness when you thought about your family." the closeness seemed to help.

"They are dead aren't they." it was more of a statement than a question. "The harder I think the worse it is. I don't want that." Derek shook his head standing up.

Stiles felt a sudden need to hug him "I know it's hard but try. You can't block it out forever. You can't have all the answers but you can accept your feelings about them." He wanted to add a I'll be here for you! But with his head over thinking everything he missed the right moment.

The wolf just walked around in thought and occasionally stared out the window. Silence between them was filled with heart beats. Derek found a sudden calm while listening it. Finally he turned to Stiles "Guilt. I feel a lot of guilt. Like I was responsible for all the sadness."

Stiles understood but didn't want to interrupt. Not yet. He was close. But giving a moment to himself proved otherwise.

"The guilt and the sadness together is impossible..." looked like he gave up "I want to feel angry and break something." he took a deep breath and exhaled while crashing a chair to pieces.

"Whoa, big guy..." Stiles stood and walked towards him "No need to get angry. You have been angry for a long time."

Derek looked at Stiles "You should step back." He looked at the space that was between them. " I am not accountable for my actions when you are this close to me." The wolf breathed loudly and his eyes turned lustful. Stiles swallowed loudly.

"I... wasn't trying to... you know..." Stiles didn't expect this and he couldn't respond to it in any way, even stepping back like he was suggested.

"Suit yourself" Derek shrugged and stepped closer grabbing him by the waist and pulling him even more closer. Stiles put his hands on Derek's chest to push him away, but at the same time Derek kissed his neck, gently moving to the other side and kissed again. Stiles breathed out shakily and held on to him. This was all too much for him and he felt his knees were giving up. Derek reached his mouth and this time Stiles was the one who pressed his lips against his. A moment after that he pushed Derek away, again. He took his hands off him, straightened his shirt not really knowing what to do to them. He just scratched his head touched his arms and after fidgeting just hid his hands deep into his pockets.

"I will pizza some orders... No, I will order some pizza..." he said awkwardly and quickly escaped the room.

Derek looked him go smiling, but turned to sad when he heard Stiles was far away. He knew had some guilty feelings to sort out. Why aren't these emotions as easy as the feelings I have for Stiles? He sighed and stared out of the window.

***

After making some awkward promises about not repeating what happened last night, Stiles joined his bed again . In his head it was because then he can help him if he has another dream. In his heart he just wanted to be close to the wolf.

Stiles couldn't sleep and he was sure that neither did Derek. They both were restless and silent. Stiles hoped he was processing his thoughts. Not wanting to think his own he pushed himself to go to sleep.

Few minutes later Derek filled the silence "I know we said no funny business in bed, but can I hold your hand."

"Um..."

Hearing his heart going crazy Derek rolled his eyes " I am not going to have sex with your hand. I just want to hold it."

That sentence blew every cognitive skill out of his brain. Stiles couldn't be any more still even if his life depended on it.

Derek realized what his words did and he apologized, still taking his hand into his. "Just that your heart beat is kind of relaxing to me and it was getting slower because you were falling asleep. But this..." he squeezed his hand "..this is perfect."

"Perfect?" Stiles said his voice higher than usual "My heart is going to jump out of my chest."

"Like I said...perfect."

Stiles let out a shaky breath. There goes sleep. He just turned his body to face his side to look at him. Derek was staring at the ceiling like there was something really interesting happening. He noticed Derek frown and sometimes even wince. He knew better to not to ask anything. He just waited until the wolf was ready to speak his thoughts. Until then Stiles just enjoyed his hand touching his.

Half an hour later Stiles could hear those thoughts.

"Ugh.. I hate this." the wolf squeezed his hand "I think I am not angry any more."

"Just like that?"

"No... Well yes. Right now I only feel sadness... I think. This crap with my family is history. My anger can't change anything. It can only destroy my life if I don't change."

Stiles smiled a small smile in the darkness.

Derek sighed "I would give anything to see my loved ones again. So I could feel happier when I think about them. So I could feel happy for them." He looked around the room "I mean I can't be happy in this place." he turned to Stiles "Am I happy?"

Stiles looked for the right words but there weren't any. "Derek you weren't really open about your emotions and feelings. You were always determined and angry and..." Stiles chuckled " and really annoyed at me most of the times"

Derek nodded "Maybe there is a way in this spell to reverse some of the things that happened in my life. I would give my wolf, my life to give anybody in my family the life she or he deserves." Derek knew that it was impossible but the hope inside him wanted to think differently. He sat up in the bed, letting his hand go and turning his back to Stiles.

Stiles was looking at his back, wanting to touch the muscles. He stood up to put his hands around him when he saw something in the moonlight. There was a weird tattoo on his shoulder blade. Two small black circles and three black stripes. On top of each other. Stiles heard Derek sigh again and with that the first stripe turned into a small black circle. Stiles couldn't believe his eyes, but he understood. Three stages were done, two more to go.


	4. Sadness

Stiles was lying in the bed with Derek beside him, resting his hand on his chest. Stiles couldn't really sleep. The next stage was going to be hard. His mind was filled with Derek's problems that he didn't have the time to think about his own. Actually that made it our problem. Stiles smiled. This moment was perfect. It was just them. He didn't want to over think it like he usually does. But soon enough he had to.

Derek woke up slowly and when he noticed how close he was to Stiles he took his hand and turned to him "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing, you are freaking me out with that." Stiles said firmly but smiled at the end.

Derek smiled back "I feel a lot better. Maybe I'm moving in the right direction."

Stiles nodded "I think so". He decided not to mention the tattoo, this would go faster when he is not checking it every two minutes. They were both looking each other for a minute but it felt al lot longer. Stiles was about to say something awkward or run out of the room but he saw Derek getting anxious. Stiles frowned, Derek doesn't get anxious.

"Sorry I can't stop myself" Derek said suddenly and kissed Stiles. Wolf's hand gently caressing his cheek. Stiles was really surprised, but had no intention to push him back this time, he wrapped his hands tightly around him and pulled him even closer. Derek moaned and moved in for a deeper kiss, placing his hands on his waist and back. Finally Stiles pulled away for a breath and they looked at each other, lips inch apart. Stiles didn't know what came over him, he pushed Derek so he could be on top of him. Derek was not expecting that, so the second Stiles was on top, he placed his hand behind Stiles neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. They were both mesmerized by the moment, but Stiles couldn't get the thought out of his head, the thought that Derek is not himself. Not yet. Stiles pulled away gently, sighed and rested his head against him "I'm sorry."

"I'm not." Derek grinned "I went for a kiss and got a lot more..."

Stiles laughed now and laid on the bed next to him. "I don't know what came into me." he paused "I should get dressed and downstairs before I get anxious and embarrassed and fidgety and all that." He stood from the bed already feeling awkward and he swore he could hear Derek smile.

***

Stiles was making breakfast when Derek came down the stairs, they exchanged a smile. Stiles frowned, something was different.

"Are you wearing my shirt?"

The wolf looked at himself "It's possible. I have no idea which ones are mine..."

Stiles chuckled "Maybe the ones that fit you?" because that shirt was hugging his body so closely that Stiles had a lot of impure thoughts rushing into his mind.

"Oh, good point..." Derek almost blushed at least Stiles thought so for a second. But then thought that Derek is too manly for that shit. Either way he didn't change the shirt, just started to make coffee for them, like they never had that conversation. That made Stiles laugh and his laugh made Derek grin.

***

Happiness was the one word that described this day the best. Derek was feeling great and Stiles loved every moment of it. The way he laughed, grinned, secretly touched him... It was warmth that Stiles craved the most, the openness and wolf's body heat next him. They never mentioned the spell or any emotions, just enjoyed each others company. Sadly with this much fun and laughter the day went quickly into the night. Stiles felt the awkwardness coming for a mile away – the moment they finished dinner. Both of their head was full of restraint and lust, so when it was bedtime they stepped into a nice pool of discomfort.

They were bot lying in the bed, unsure what to do. They haven't really talked about their mutual feelings. Derek understood why this wasn't okay until he got his memories back, but still... The feelings he felt were really strong, permanent even. Why hold them back? He could make things simpler to the "real" Derek.

Stiles wasn't sure what he felt, there was something and that something was getting stronger every day. Still this wasn't really Derek, this was a little confused piece of the real him. What scared Stiles the most was that without the spell none of it would have happened. Even if their feelings were there before, neither of them would act on them. At least not any time soon. There was just one thought that kept Stiles on the edge. What if he will forget completing the stages? It was a possibility. What if the last stripe turned into a circle and things got back to normal. Sadness covered this whole thought, until he realised. He could have a little piece of heaven, without any consequences...

Stiles turned to Derek who was on his back eyes closed. Stiles took his shaky hand and placed on the wolf's naked chest. He felt the sudden intake of breath. Stiles moved closer and kissed his shoulder, paused and moved closer kissing his neck. Derek was holding back the moans, when he felt his lips moving closer to his. Stiles put his hand on Derek's waist, moving his body on top of him. His kisses made its way to his mouth and then he stopped.

"Good night." Stiles gave him a gentle kiss and turned to his side.

"W-What?" Derek was confused "You can't do that! You are joking, right? Stiles. Stiles?" Derek breathed out loudly, really hot and bothered but understood that this was better than nothing.

Stiles couldn't stop grinning, he had never had so much power over anybody. But he knew this was too mean, he took the wolf's right hand and put it on his waist so Derek was spooning him. He was taken aback by this but having Stiles in his arms was just what he needed.

***

Stiles wanted to get out of the house, he was feeling trapped so they decided to go for a run after breakfast. He had nothing against having alone time with his wolf but the walls were closing in on him. Derek wasn't really sure about running but after seeing Stiles get this excited made him change his mind.

"Okay now... no wolf shit." Stiles held his hands up like it was a deal breaker.

The wolf chuckled "Deal, but I may need to use them to move as slow as you do." Derek thought that he was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing.

"Very funny." Stiles looked blankly but joined him shortly "I will have you know that constantly running away of danger, can really help your stamina."

Air in the forest was exactly what they both needed, they started their run on a path, but after Derek saw how good Stiles was they moved deeper into the forest. Their pace was pretty fast, Derek was more than impressed.

Stiles was liking their little activity, he was amazed how smooth and relaxed everything was. He hasn't even stuttered, fidgeted or been awkward. He was very proud of himself. And soon enough he tripped over his own legs and fell.

Derek was right by his side mortified, checking if he was okay. Stiles was used to falling down on weird places and when he saw blood on his arm he chuckled.

"Leave it to me to injure myself, again" Stiles looked at his little wound. It hurt a bit, but he was okay. Derek on the other hand was not.

"What's wrong?" Stiles asked carefully because he looked pale.

The wolf whispered " There is no point..."

"What do you mean?"

"There is no point on any of this! You will die Stiles!" he yelled looking at him realising the full seriousness of this thought. " You will die, like everybody else I have ever loved."

Stiles saw a panic attack coming, he stepped to him and grabbed his shoulders "I am fine. It was just a scratch. I am not going to die."

"Maybe not now but then there is tomorrow, the day after that..." he couldn't stay still so he stepped back and rested his hands on his knees. Feeling that he can't breathe. "You could die any second."

Stiles tried to stop where his thoughts were going "I am not going to die Derek. We have been through so much and I'm pretty sure I have saved you a lot more times than you have saved me."

"But the fact that either of us need saving means that trouble and death follows me everywhere..."

"To be honest I am the trouble magnet." Stiles started to tell but knew that it wasn't a good thing to admit right now "I mean... um... I kind of go looking for it but I can stop." he finished hopeful but he knew he failed.

"That leaves me and death." he started to walk back and forth.

"No, Derek. You can't..."

"I can't what? Be realistic? This is bullshit." he yelled turning to Stiles " It doesn't matter what I do or feel, if I kill everybody around me. My own anger will probably end up killing me."

"You are not killing everybody."

"Fine not kill, hurt!" he said pointing to the wound stiles was now trying to hide.

"This?! This is nothing. And I did it all by myself. You can't take any credit for this scratch."

Derek paused still pacing angrily "No, but I have hurt you before haven't I"

"Um... not really." Stiles said carefully knowing this will trigger something.

Derek snarled "The fact that you need to think before you answer this simple fucking question is fucking insane! Why haven't I acted these feelings I have for you before? Instead I have brought you what? Pain? Misery? Near death experiences?"

"Pretty much!" Stiles was getting impatient "But that's life. It is not supposed to be easy or safe or fair."

"Well everybody else seemed okay" Derek's eyes stayed on Stiles

"What?! You think that my life is okay?"

"I'm sure it wasn't this bad before I appeared"

Stiles laughed a manic laugh "Wow...You should get out of this wolf bobble you are in. I was the least popular guy in school, I only had Scott." Stiles laughed again "And you wouldn't believe how fucked up my brain is... it like properly fucked. With ADD and all the meds I have no idea what normal is!" Stiles sighed "My mom died when I was little and I'm not even going to discuss whose fault that is. My Dad is still not over it. My relationship with my only parent is so fragile that if I even sneeze wrong, shit hits the fan."

They stared at each other. Derek was still angry maybe even angrier than before, Stiles wasn't sure why.

"Shit happens...People manage and move on..." Stiles added "It's easier to blame than accept. This is all what this spell is about. Acceptance."

"Fuck that spell! And fuck that witch! I am so done with this emotions and feelings and shit... So done." Stiles saw Derek getting angrier by the second.

"Hey, just breathe... take a minute to calm down. There is no need to be angry."

"Fuck. Fuck! Now I'm angry again! Fuck!" and he had his claws out. He grabbed at the nearest trunk and started to smash it into pieces. Every piece of energy and hate went into near by trees. Stiles held his breath and looked him silently.

***

After a while when Derek was listening again Stiles started again.

"Derek you have your pack..." he swallowed loudly "You have me."

"I don't feel anything strong towards my pack beside the wolf bond. That is not enough. And to be honest I think I feel guilty when I think about them. I don't want to even ask what I did to them." Derek shook his head. "And you... " he stared at him.

Stiles walked to him and stood in front of him. Stiles felt him calm down so he placed his hand on his cheek. Derek leaned into it and a shaky breathe later Stiles kissed him. Hoping that this will bring him back.

Derek pushed him away and stepped a few steps back, never looking at Stiles.

"You will die and I'll be empty inside. Just like the other empty spaces in me, left by my family" Derek whispered and started to walk around his hands on his face and the back of his neck.

"Everybody is dead! There is nothing left! Why am I still alive?"

Stiles was hurt how Derek just pushed him away and considered him dead. He understood him but couldn't make him see straight. He observed Derek, hoping to see or notice something...Anything to act on. But all he saw was Derek yell at himself. Few minutes later Derek just stopped and Stiles witnessed the life disappear from his eyes.

"I just can't … I can't breathe... I can't be any more... There is too much pain" Derek fell to his knees. Stiles saw a tear fall from his cheek before Derek hid his face with his hands.

This moment was too painful, Stiles felt his own heart stop. Derek was falling to pieces before his eyes. And he couldn't do anything. He was completely helpless. Stiles fought with his own tears. His brain went to overdrive and when he turned to see Derek again he felt his heart crumble to pieces. Tears were falling from his face. Fuck. Get it together Stiles! You can't fail him now. He brushed his tears away. You are going to fix this. It is your fault that he is so dependent on you. Stop being so fucking fidgety and man up! Stiles took a deep breath and went to Derek. He heard his sobs and it took everything not to do the same. Stiles sat beside him and put his hands around him.

"I know it hurts." Stiles held him tightly "But it will get easier, I promise. The spell has just magnified all the hurt you are feeling right now. You need to just take it in and process it. I am here for you, I will help you." he paused for while giving Derek time to think.

Finally he just couldn't bare the silence "Derek... we will get through this together. I promise."

"I'm going to die anyway. What does it matter what I do until then." Derek said blankly and Stiles noticed that he wasn't crying any more, he was just emotionless.

"Don't say that..." Stiles took his arms and stood up pulling Derek with him "You are not going to die..."

"But everybody else is" Derek stared at Stiles. His face was still emotionless, not angry or sad – nothing. That freaked him out.

"Derek..." Stiles started to touch him but Derek took a step back.

"Derek please I..."Stiles was not giving up but he got the same response.

"Stiles there is no reason to go on...Not like this." the wolf looked into the forest "I'm gonna go for a run." And then he was gone. Leaving Stiles alone, broken with tears running on his face.

"I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere..." Stiles muttered, knowing he would hear him. Sadly he wasn't sure if this statement was for the wolf or to reassure himself.

***

Stiles was already in bed when Derek got back. He didn't say a word. He just took his clothes off and got into bed. He was looking at the ceiling again so after waiting for a minute Stiles kissed him on the shoulder like the night before, but now he just turned his back to him. When he does that Stiles sees the tattoo. One stripe left.

Before Stiles could even start to feel glad he feels hot tears on his face. He quickly turned to hide his face, not sure what to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! :)


	5. Happiness

Stiles woke up next to an empty space, that meant Derek was already up. Probably sulking around the kitchen.

He decided to join him and soon enough he saw Derek sitting behind the counter with a coffee and a blank face. Stiles was scared of that face, that emotionless pale face that was expressing the hopelessness inside the wolf's head. However, Stiles had stayed most of the night up to find out everything on depression and knew exactly what to do. Or at least something to do. Knowledge gave him courage and he walked bravely into the kitchen.

"I think you should go back home. There is no point in this."

Stiles just ignored him and started making breakfast.

Derek repeated "Stiles, I think you..."

"And I think you should shut the fuck up." he said matter of factly, looking him for a second and got back to his breakfast making.

Maybe it was the words or the attitude either way Derek was not expecting that, so they remained in silence. Stiles made breakfast for two and they ate their breakfast next to each other, still not saying anything.

After breakfast Derek tried again "Stiles, you should go."

Stiles only snorted in response.

"What's so funny? I'm serious." Derek said confused.

"Well yeah, but so am I. Just because you gave up doesn't mean that I am a coward."

"Whatever" Derek couldn't bother to answer.

Stiles chuckled and said mockingly "Well keep that enthusiasm up because we are going out."

"No we are not."

"It wasn't a question or an offer wolf boy." he said patting his shoulder on the last two words, while walking upstairs to get his backpack.

***

"Get in the car" Stiles stated and Derek tried to protest "I said get in the fucking car Derek!"

He did what was said. Stiles was jumping over the moon about this. He was sure that the wolf would fight back or something. So far everything went better than expected. But Stiles was worried if his plan was going to work or how well it was going to work. Too many variables. That made Stiles uncomfortable, but there was a chance it will work perfectly and the nervous kid held into that idea

***

Stiles stepped out of the car and started walking to the sound of the water. They only walked for a minute and they reached a river that turned into a water fall. Stiles walked right on the ledge and Derek stayed a little back.

"Why are we here? What is this?" Derek looked at the ledge Stiles was standing on.

"This is a popular place for jumping in to the cold water." he stalled.

"You mean, jumping into the water from here?"

"People do it all the time"

"Yeah, but you are not people."

Stiles was actually agreeing with Derek "Maybe not but... This is … great! No, awesome and..." he stepped closer to the edge to look down, his heart stopped "and... um..." he cleared his throught "and awesome."

"You said awesome twice..." Derek stated quickly

"That's because it is that much awesome" Stiles was more than terrified, everything was a bit of a blur but kept his cool... mostly.

"Aren't you afraid?"

"Afraid? Pff... Of what? Do you mean the height, or the water or the sharp rocks on the bottom or the..."

"Okay I got it. Why are you doing this?"

"Because it's so fun." Stiles swallowed loudly "So, so fun" even he didn't believe what he just said.

The way Stiles said it made Derek almost smile.

"You don't believe me? Wait, let me get into a commercial pose with a really big fun smile." Stiles said and started to take his clothes off. He threw his shirt, sneakers, socks and pants next to Derek. As soon as the freezing wind blew on his now cold skin he shook his head.

"You know what, fuck that."

Derek sighed in relief "Great, now put your clothes back on and.."

"I mean fuck the pose, I'll just show you how fun this is." Stiles was shivering but took a step closer to the edge. Breathing as slowly as possible, trying to calm his heart.

"Stiles you can't be serious."

"Oh, I am so fucking serious right now. Especially now, when I'm telling you that you are joining me on this fun adventure." he ended his sentence as up beat as he could.

"No" the wolf said quickly.

When Stiles saw Derek's face, which was by the way full of horror, he started to laugh.

"Not funny Stiles."

"Your face is..." he couldn't stop grinning "Come on. If I can do it, you can do it."

Derek relaxed a bit "There is no way in hell you can do it."

"I would not bet on that" Stiles noted.

"Well I am."

"Okay."

"What?"

"If I jump you will join me and we will give this emotions crap another chance. If I chicken out, I will leave you alone and never bother you again." Stiles saw his head already shaking so he added "Think about it."

And Derek actually did, he saw how afraid Stiles was, his heartbeat didn't sound like a heart any more because it was beating so fast. Still, Stiles is really determined and famous on doing stupid shit like that. Derek stepped closer to see how far the water was. No fucking way, he will not jump.

"Deal."

"Wh.. Really?"

"Yes."

"Crap. Okay. Um.. Good." He was a little surprised and a lot horrified on the coming fate. Stiles looked at the destination and felt his whole body telling his brain to get into the car and get the fuck out of there.

"I knew it. You can't do it." Derek was getting calmer.

Stiles was concentrating "Yes I can. Just give me a minute."

"You already had your min..." Derek stopped because Stiles jumped off the cliff.

"Stiles!" Derek screamed, running to the edge, looking down to see if he was okay. He couldn't see anything. Everything was covered with the mist created from the dropping water.

"Fuck!" he roared while taking his clothes off, hitting each item on the ground with an audible thud. He took one breath and jumped after Stiles.

***

Stiles pulled himself on the surface, screaming noises and sounds never heard before. "Holy shit! I did it!" He laughed happily and started to swim closer to the shore. He couldn't keep the grin out of his face, he was so happy but knew that this wasn't really over. Stiles turned to watch if Derek will jump. And as soon as he turned to look, he saw a body smash into the water.

"Yeah!" Stiles yelled and swam closer to the spot he fell waiting for him to come to the surface.

"Fuck you!" Stiles heard Derek yell the moment he got to the surface "You are fucking insane." he rubbed the water out of his face and turned to Stiles. " Did you hear me? Insane!"

Stiles was grinning so widely that it made Derek roll his eyes.

"What? That was awesome! Did you feel anything?"

Derek looked at him blankly.

Stiles splattered water at him "You promised."

"Fine!" Derek said finally and Stiles stopped "It was... exciting and thrilling"

"Yeah it was! I feel so fucking alive! I am so fucking bad ass." Stiles talked to himself, ecstatic.

Derek laughed at his reaction to all this and it was the first time since yesterday.

Stiles looked at that smile and felt even better. He swam closer so they were almost touching.

"What do you feel now?" Stiles grabbed the alpha by his neck and kissed him. He didn't plan this but he was so intoxicated by everything that he couldn't help himself. When their lips touched Stiles was on cloud nine. When Derek started to kiss him back, was when he felt his head explode of happiness.

Involuntarily Stiles pulled away and waited for Derek's answer. "And?"

Derek shrugged "Can't complain."

"What?! Cant complain? Are you fucking kidding me?"

And he was, Derek was grinning like Stiles was before.

"Asshole" Stiles muttered and started to swim to the shore, Derek following right behind him, smiling.

"Happy" Derek muttered to himself so Stiles couldn't hear him "I feel happy."

***

"Oh crap." Stiles said when they got out of the water and the cold wind was brushing against his wet body. He realized that all of their things and their car was on top of the hill.

"You didn't think this through didn't you." Derek stated mockingly

"Yes I did! Just didn't get into specifics."

"Wait here and move around so you wont turn into an ice-cube." Derek started to run to the forest

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get our stuff."

"I'll come with."

Derek stared at Stiles waiting him to realise and soon enough he did "Oh yeah, wolf speed..."

The wolf chuckled and ran.

***

They were warm and clothed and now hiking back to the car.

"Why didn't you just came back with the car?" Stiles asked after a while.

"Because."

"Why?" Stiles knew the answer but pinned him to say it out loud.

Derek grunted "Because of you..."

"Sorry what did you said?" Stiles said mockingly

Derek turned to look at him "Because I was afraid you would get sick if I didn't do fast enough and taking the car would have taken too much time. Does this answer satisfy your needs?"

"Pretty much" Stiles grinned and walked past him.

***

The hike went by quickly and surprisingly not in silence. Derek was holding back a little and maybe not as open than before but in Stiles eyes he had succeeded. Final stage is about accepting and Stiles was very confident that Derek will do just fine.

"So.." Stiles started when they were driving again.

"I'm sorry." Derek interrupted looking out of the window.

Stiles frowned.

"I am sorry that I broke down in front of you. I know it wasn't easy for you. I am sorry that I didn't control my emotions. I just let anger fuel everything that was already too much for me. I am so sorry that I didn't talk about this before."

"About what? Stiles frowned

"The thought of... of your death. I had it before but I hesitated... I didn't want to talk about it and look what it did to me later."

Stiles understood the spell now. It magnified everything that was hidden or not accepted at the spot it got into the mind. He was pissed off that he didn't think about it sooner.

"Yeah I suspected that something was off... I knew that the spell will make a bigger deal of every feeling, but suppressed thoughts and feelings...I have no idea how I didn't think about it. I'm s..."

"Don't you fucking dare say you are sorry" Derek snarled

"Okay... I'm not?" Stiles was taken aback by his sudden statement.

"I'm still apologizing." He explained

"You don't have to..."

"Yes I do. Now shut the fuck up and let me finish." Derek calmed himself down "I'm sorry that I shut you out, that I didn't even try to hear you or understand you. I am sorry that I made you tell about your life... It wasn't intentional."

"Hey, you didn't make me do any thing."

Derek stared at him.

"Sorry, I'll shut up."

"And the thing I am the most sorry, I still hate myself for doing that. I know that I wasn't in my right mind but..."

"You mean rejecting me?" Stiles asked silently

Derek couldn't look at Stiles or even admit it loudly. He just paused for a really long time, staring out of the window.

They were getting back to the house and Stiles felt he had to push him "Derek, I'm sorry but your own sake, you need to..."

"I know... " but Derek stayed silent.

Stiles parked the car and turned off the engine, nut they both stayed in the car. Ten minutes or so later Derek turned to Stiles and looked into his eyes.

"Stiles, I am so sorry, that I pushed you way. I'm sorry that I rejected you... twice."

"It's okay, I get it." Stiles started serious but had tu add "Knowing how many times I have pushed you away it's only fair." Stiles chuckled nervously because the moment was too intense to stay calm.

"I'll make it up to you." Derek said firmly and gave a small smile.

"Yes you will." Stiles still tried to … "You can start now." and stepped out of the car and walked towards the house. "You coming?" He called Derek when he reached the door.

Derek grinned and shook his head "One of a kind Stiles, you are one of a kind..." he said grinning and stepped out of the car to follow Stiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again!


	6. Acceptance

"Derek.." Stiles said gently under a pile of Derek.

"What? I'm sleeping." he slurred.

"And I can't move or breathe..."

"Why?" Derek opened his eyes now, he was all over Stiles.

"Not that I don't like to be here but I would like to breathe and get my arm back."

Derek moved away slowly so Stiles could get all of his limbs back, as soon as he did that, Derek pulled him back next to him and closed his eyes.

"Derek.." Stiles started again

"What? I'm sleeping."

"Um..."

"Can you breathe?"

"Yes."

"Are you comfy?"

"Yes..."

"Then shut the fuck up Stiles."

Stiles wasn't sleepy any more, he was too active and getting fidgety so he had to get out. Luckily he knew the best way. Stiles turned around so he was facing Derek, he placed his hands on his chest. Stiles waited for a second, until he felt the skin beneath him burn and then started to move his hands slowly down.

"Your hands are moving into a dangerous area?"

"I wish I had somebody who would pay me enough attention so I wouldn't have to do something so dangerous." with the last word he reached Derek's boxers. That was also the same time Derek grabbed both of his hands and with one swift movement moved on top of Stiles. Derek hold his hands above his head and started to kiss his neck. "You do know you should not mess with a sleepy wolf." He said between kisses.

"All I know is that wolf has a lot of making up to do. I'm sure that there is something left for this morning." Stiles tried another tactic and it worked.

"Well, if I must..." Derek said mockingly and kissed him, all traces of sleep gone.

***

After a proper make out session that lasted longer than either of them planned or hoped, Stiles needed to call his Dad. He has said that he's home when he clearly isn't and out with some friends when he again, isn't. Sadly dad is always working to even properly check on him.

„Hi dad! Yeah I left home last night, I waited for you but you stayed late again." Stiles lied to his phone "I'll be back in the morning." He lied again.

"I know, we keep missing each other… but I'm not the one who is working so many extra hours." Stiles hated to bring this up but didn't have a choice.

„I can stop by at the station if you want… „ Stiles bluffed hoping it would work and it did „ It's okay Dad. See you tomorrow night then, hopefully." He ended his call with a sad smile.

Derek was suddenly behind him „You don't have to stay here, and I don't want you to lie to your dad because of me."

„You shouldn't eavesdrop" Stiles stared Derek and put his phone nervously back into his pocket. „ And don't worry it's fine."

„Liar."

„Yeah.." Stiles agreed „I am."

Derek couldn't bare to see Stiles like this „You should have lunch with him"

„No, really. It's okay"

Derek raised an eyebrow.

Stiles sighed „It will be fine."

„Yeah it will, when you have lunch with him." Derek kept pushing.

Stiles wasn't sure if he should leave Derek alone. But two hours is nothing really, if he made it quick it would maybe take an hour. Derek saw his head in thinking mode and hoped that he would go. Not just because he wanted him to spend time with his dad, but because he needed some alone time.

Stiles finally said „Are you sure? I mean I'll be gone only an hour at most…"

„Yes, I'm sure." he nodded "I'm a grown man you know" he chuckled but Stiles didn't.

„If I come back and you are sulking or depressed again I will…"

Derek stepped quickly next to Stiles „You will what?"

„Um kill you?"

Derek chuckled „You will kill me, an alpha?"

„Yeah... totally." Seeing that Derek was amused by this he changed the threat „Or I will not let you touch me."

The wolf's smile was gone in a second and now Stiles was the one who was smiling. „Oh, look at that face." Stiles grinned now „Looks like somebody has a problem with that. Whose the big bad wolf now?" he was mocking him, happy that he had some power over him.

„That's not really amusing Stiles"

„It isn't, because I'm serious."

„You shouldn't threaten an alpha like that"

„An alpha definitely not." Stiles put his hand on Derek's chest „But my alpha… why not." Stiles wanted to smile but as soon as he touched his chest the moment was too intimate, too special, so he just stood there.

Derek touched the hand that was on his chest and they enjoyed the moment for a while. This moment was exactly what Derek felt. Him touching his heart and him accepting it and taking it in.

***

The lunch went great, his Dad was so happy to see him and so was Stiles. He was feeling so guilty about lying and some father son time was exactly what they needed. What was weird was that Stiles stopped at home for a second to change his clothes and when he started to go back to Derek's he felt… anxious. He couldn't understand why, they were quite close and acknowledging their feelings for each other. He felt like he was going on a date and that thought put his fidgety behavior on a new level. His hands were sweating and his heartbeat was picking up speed. Funny thing was that he wasn't even close to Derek's place yet.

Stiles pulled over and took a breath. What's wrong with you? You have been living there for days and now you have a panic attack. It's just Derek... He chuckled to himself, laughing at himself really.

His phone vibrated and Stiles saw he got a text from Derek.

-why you stopped?

Stiles looked around in the car and searched the familiar face in the surrounding forest – nothing, nobody. He texted back quickly.

-how did you know?

Answer came quickly.

-I heard u. are u ok?

„Heard me? What the fuck? How is that possible?" Stiles said to himself, his phone vibrated again.

-did sth happen? are you ok?

„Jesus! Calm down." He said loudly, texting back. But before he could finish his phone rang, it was Derek.

„What happened? Why did your car stop?" Derek was serious and quick.

„Nothing happened. " Stiles wasn't sure what's going on.

„Why did you stop?" Derek was not satisfied with his answer.

Stiles didn't want to tell him the real reason but didn't want to lie either „Nothing, just ADD kicking up a notch." Stiles was happy that it was true, in a way.

„I'll be right there." and Derek ended the call.

"Derek? Derek!" Stiles just looked at the phone not really sure what happened. "Okay.. that was a bit weird..." He put his phone away and then somebody opened the car door so suddenly that Stiles screamed like he was murdered.

"Holy shit Derek!" Stiles tried to calm himself down. "How did you get here so fast?""

"I started running before I called you."

"What? Why? Is everything ok?"

Derek pointed to the passenger seat and made Stiles move to the seat. He sat in the driver's seat and turned to Stiles "Are you?

"Yes! What the fuck Derek?"

"You said that your ADD was..."

"Derek I am not a bubble, I have survived worse, much worse so calm the fuck down. I am fine."

Derek relaxed on the seat and placed his hands on the wheel. "Good." he started the car.

"That's it?" Stiles laughed because it was the old mysterious Derek again. "I get no explanation?"

Stiles thought that maybe his reason was the same as his so he admitted his previous feelings. Derek started the car and after an awkward, nervous minute for Stiles he found his courage once again.

"The reason why I stopped was because... I was getting... I mean I was really anxious." Stiles rubbed the back of his head, really not wanting to continue "I was anxious to see you. And that made my brain malfunction a bit so I stopped the car..."

Derek interrupted "I felt another werewolf near us."

Stiles face went red, the reasons were definitely not the same. He was more than embarrassed. On a brighter note it made Derek smile.

"But it is nice to know that I have that kind of an effect on you." Derek looked at Stiles, who was completely avoiding this interaction. "To be honest, I was anxious too."

Stiles looked at him now "You are just saying that"

Derek placed his hand on Stiles leg "Can't really lie to you, remember."

Stiles changed the subject "How do you know that the werewolf is our enemy."

Derek frowned, Stiles knows the answer "From his scent"

"How do you know it's not Scott?"

"Who's Scott?"

"Werewolf, kinda in your pack..."

"I should know when its my pack."

"How? Do you know his scent? You don't even know who he is."

"I ..." Derek started strongly but Stiles had a point.

"But werewolf is the only thing you kind of remember. Maybe your wolf senses are still intact." Stiles offered another theory.

"Yeah, maybe." he nodded "When are they coming back?"

"The others? Some time tomorrow."

"Okay."

"You afraid?" Stiles said noticing Derek's white knuckles on the wheel.

"A little bit. I am not, who I should be for them. Not yet."

Stiles nodded understanding but inside he was jumping from joy, Derek admitted something he would never admit or discuss.

Derek still saw a faint blush on Stiles, so he thought that this is the time to come clean.

"I was anxious... Like you."

Stiles groaned thinking he was just making him feel better for blurting out before "Please don't." He was still embarrassed and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Just in case he will say too much again and die in embarrassment all over again. But Derek continued.

"I kind off freaked out... Wasn't sure If you were coming back." he said pressing his lips together

"What do you mean if I was coming back?"

"I felt lonely after I sorted all my thoughts... So my mind was giving me some... bad images, thoughts. Every time I relaxed or closed my eyes I saw and felt something terrible."

"The spell did that?" Stiles was getting annoyed by this spell.

"I think so, because it came so sudden and I felt my whole body fixated at any given thought."  
Stiles was interested what thoughts he had, he asked as smoothly as possible. "So you were having thoughts that I would not come back?"

Derek sighed a deep sigh that made Stiles regret he asked "That was one of many."

"I was away for an hour" he checked his watch "hour and a half-ish. You couldn't have that many."

"Enough to ..." and Derek stopped because he didn't want to finish.

Stiles understood "What did the spell made you think about?" he asked again knowing that he needed to talk about it.

"At first it was your death, I am almost used to that idea..."

"What?" Stiles made the interruption so theatrical that he rolled his eyes.

"Not your actual death... but the spells portrayal of it. Anyway that didn't threw me off, at first. Things like rejection, your dad dying, you leaving me for no reason, then the reason was because I'm a werewolf, then it was you turning, you having an overdose, you.."

"Wow stop..." Stiles was baffled of the things he was listing so mundanely.

"I can't stop this shit will haunt me if I don't tell you."

"I know, let me help you. First, there is only one reason why I'm rejecting you or did anyway." he rolled his eyes "And you know it. If my dad dies it would be really bad but I wouldn't blame you or.."

"In my thoughts you were so heart broken and didn't want to live any more."

"That will not happen." Stiles said confidently "My dad has worked with so many suicide cases and promised to kill me all over again if I ever do that. What else?"

"You leaving me." Derek muttered. "Without the reason and then because I'm a werewolf"

"Hmm.. I will give you a reason, or at least be open to talk about it. Also the werewolf thing is kinda of a normal thing for me now, so that can't be a problem. Next."

Derek paused "It sounded like you are leaving me."

Stiles looked at him serious "I am not leaving you."

Derek nodded.

"Next..." Stiles was ready to move on.

"You turning."

"Well that's easy, I had an opportunity and I said no. I'm pretty sure..."

Derek interrupted "It's different. I turned you, because I wanted you to and you finally agreed."

"Oh..."Stiles wasn't sure "I don't know, what would I do in that situation."

"Stiles please don't make a joke now, I'm really freaked out by these thoughts and if anything, I need confirmation from you that these things will not happen" they reached his house and he stopped the car. "I have accepted almost every idea, knowing that there is no or small chance of happening. And you something like that?"

"I'm sorry but I don't want to lie. This is who I am. I really don't know what would I do in that situation."

Derek sighed and Stiles was in deep thought thinking of an answer.

After awhile Derek then turned to Stiles, took his hand in his and looked into his eyes. He looked as sincere as he could "Stiles, I love you very much."

Stiles was not moving but his eyes were darting in every direction, he whispered "What's happening?"

Derek squeezed his hand and started again "I love you, Stiles!"

Stiles looked confused and scared "Um.."

He continued "But it is my deepest wish that I can turn you into a werewolf." he paused "Stiles I'm offering you the bite. I want you to become a werewolf like me."

Stiles understood now, he really thought about it and answered "No. I'm sorry but no."

"Oh thank god" Derek took his hands away "I was getting worried you would say otherwise"

Stiles still sure in his answer wanted to know "Would you do it. Not now but if I asked you, begged you to"

Derek hated that he was being honest right now"Not right away but yes, probably"

Stiles just nodded and moved on "Was the last one overdose?"

"Not the last but yes."

"I have thought about it, to be honest."

Derek was holding the steering wheel and his knuckles were getting white. "You just said that suicide is not on your to do list, ever"

"It isn't, but drug addiction is something that is highly likely, when it comes to me. I have done my research. I'm not saying I will overdose but it is a possibility" seeing that it is not helping Derek he added "My mind is constantly working and buzzing, if I could numb that process down just a bit, I would. The medication I have now doesn't do the trick."

"You asked your doctor?" Derek asked hopefully.

"Nope. I tried it. Took a bunch of pills, made things worse and got killer headaches."

Derek stepped out of the car "I need some fresh air."

Stiles did the same and tried to explain "I'm not saying that I am searching for drugs. I'm saying that if my medication does what I want, I will take a double dose."

"I'll keep in mind, to beat your ass if you are a little too dopey"

"Deal, Anything else?"

"No, you are making it worse." Derek rubbed the back of his neck.

"Sorry..."

"Don't be sorry for being honest. I do want to know. Everything but after this spell thing."

"Oh so you are confident that you will pass?" Stiles had a smug face.

"When I close my eyes I see you cutting your wrists. And look at me, I am fine. At least I think I am."

"I can see that you are. But just so you know and you actually know this that blood freaks me out so I will never do that. Like never, I will probably pass out before I get to it."

Derek smiled "Thanks." he walked over to Stiles "I don't care about the spell. I mean I do but its okay if I fail, I feel a lot better and I could spend time with you which was apparently not okay before the spell. So I'm good either way."

"Who the fuck are you?" Stiles said grinning

"I still have doubts and anger and fears but I control them, not the other way around."

"I see you speak those words but I am not believing that Derek Hale is saying them"

"Derek 2.0 might." he smiled and grabbed Stiles shirt to pull him closer.

Stiles laughed and just pressed himself against him "Yeah, he might" and kissed the wolf.

***

"Do you want to stop?" Derek asked pulling away from his lips for a second.

Stiles chuckled "No. Do you?" With that Stiles moved one of his hands under Derek's shirt.

Derek laughed "I f you put it like that, no."

Stiles stopped and looked at Derek.

"Actually, would you mind if we go to the waterfall again."

Stiles frowned but then shrugged "Sure let's go. Why?"

"It really cleared everything up and I want to do it again. By the way, how did you plan that whole thing? How did you know I would take that bet or even jump?"

"A lot of research and shit loads of luck." Stiles sighed "The key was to make you jump, to get adrenalin pumping, but you would have never done it for fun, not in that mood so the plan was to trick you. The original plan was to fake fall and you would have to jump after and rescue me, but thank god you brought up the bet."

"I would have jumped if you fell. " Derek wanted to let him know.

"Thanks. We can go but I'm not sure if I want to jump."

"Want to make a bet?" Derek grinned and got back into the car with Stiles.

***

They were getting to bed after a long exhausting day. Stiles did jump, after a little make out session in the car, but promised to never do it again. Derek wasn't so sure about that. The other werewolf, they guessed, was just somebody passing by. Derek did a mandatory run and found nothing, absolutely nothing. Stiles even suspected that the spell had something to do with that. This was the first time when they got to bed and just fell asleep. They weren't even spooning, just star fishing the shit out of that bed.

Few hours later Stiles woke up, he had a weird dream and didn't really want to fall back to sleep so soon. He just stared at Derek, realising after a minute how creepy it was he looked away. As soon as he did, Derek changed his starfish pose by turning his back on Stiles. Then he saw it, the tattoo. He almost forget it.

***

Stiles saw his last stripe turn into a circle. And then one by one the circles disappeared. By the end of it Stiles eyes were watery. Not sure if it was from happiness or sadness. It seemed that everything has come to an end. He knew that there was a huge possibility that Derek will forget everything what has happened in a past few days. After thinking long and hard he decided that the best thing to do is go home. No need to surprise an angry alpha in the morning. If he has any questions he can feel my scent all over the place and could call me. He waited for a while to make sure he was fast asleep and the grabbed his stuff and went home. Regretting it by the time he closed the bedroom door.

***

Stiles woke up. He heard someone knocking downstairs. He jumped quickly out of the bed and checked the window. It was Derek. Correction, it was an angry Derek. Stiles felt his heart sink and turning into a giant butterfly in his stomach. He couldn't move.

"I know you are in there. Let me in or I'll break the door down." Derek yelled.

Stiles put some clothes on and when he turned around he was already there. Derek closed the bedroom door and stared at him.

"You couldn't wait for a second?" Stiles yelled "I was coming." he then quieted down seeing the intensity in Derek's face. "So... what's up?" he asked awkwardly, getting really fidgety.

Derek raised his eyebrows "What's up?" he looked at Stiles angry now "Whats up?! How about sorry I sneaked out in the middle of the night. Sorry I made you worry..."

Stiles couldn't say a word. It was Derek alright. But did he remember ?

Derek took a few step closer so Stiles was against the wall and had nowhere to escape. "I remember everything." He then closed the space between them by kissing him passionately.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the story. Really hope you liked it! Thank you for reading! :)  
> \- evilkoalaforce

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it. :)


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